The Elf on the Shelf Song

Come on, I think we can all agree on this. The “Elf on the Shelf” is a creeper. He’s cringe.

He is Dexter. I’m serious. If there’s a string of holiday serial killings, he would have to be the primary suspect.

Do you really think, he’s surveying your house to feed Santa naughty or nice data about your perfect angel?

Black Friday. Cyber Monday. What does Tuesday have? Nothin’. Hear about it.

More likely, he sees you when you’re sleeping, and he’s probably giving his candy cane a tug.

That’s my theory. The “Elf on the Shelf” is a pervert; possibly a sex offender. You’re telling me he’s not watching you run around the house without a bra? Nah.

It’s just a coincidence that he ends up in your bathroom while you’re taking a shower. That little deviant he’s watching every move.

What do real kids write to Santa Claus? Hear what she has to say?

So, pops, if you’re enjoying OnlyFans while no one else is home. Or moms, if you’re playing the banjo while the kids are at school. The elf is watching, and he loves that you’re all on the naughty list.

To the music of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland,” this is the Elf on the Shelf Song.