Spencetology

The War Against Balloons

We were all shocked to hear that, seemingly at random, the FAA announced it was closing El Paso International Airport. No explanation was given.

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The sudden shutdown created “chaos” for travelers, caused flight cancellations and diversions, and halted medical evaluation flights.

Such a long-duration shutdown (intended for 10 days) of a major US city’s airport was unprecedented. Comparisons were made to shutdowns following 9/11.

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A short time later, the FAA lifted the restriction, saying the closure was out of an abundance of caution.

We later found out that it was a lack of communication between the FAA and its “MTV Real World” alum, Sean Duffy, and former Fox News host and Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth. If they just would have used Signal all of this could have been avoided.

Then the real info started pouring in. The kind of outlandish story a kid might tell to avoid being grounded. Mexican cartel attack drones were infringing on American airspace. (Not sure what those drones were planning to attack.)

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We heard the military utilized its “high-energy laser technology” out of Fort Bliss, Texas to destroy the drones. Or, as it turned out, some rogue party balloons. Yes, our amazing government, led by totally competent men (sarcasm intended), unleashed some Luke Skywalker X-Wing Fighter tech on some wayward Quinceañera balloons.

Here is the official accounting from the Department of Defense: