Spencetology

Look! We are doing everything we can to make sure our children are lazy, little assholes. To further that goal, I’m proud to introduce the Full-Size Finder app.

For those who know, WH Press Secretary Katie Zacharia lasted 0.45 Scaramuccis. Here’s a song about her.

Now, your children don’t have to waste time walking through your neighborhood for a handful of Smarties and Almond Joys. With Full-Size Finder, your kids can walk straight to houses handing out full-size candy bars.

If the lazy angle isn’t working for you, think about it this way: Better candy for mom to steal.