Spencetology

What Else Should Utah Bring Back?

The governor of our neighbor, to the northeast, Utah, is bringing back a classic. The firing squad! Yeah!
Proving that barbarism is alive and well, Governor Gary Herbert, who, by the way, admits the practice is, “a little bit gruesome,” signed into a law a bill that will implement the firing squad as a method for executions if the proper chemicals, for the much more palatable lethal injection, are not available.

Come on, gov, if you’re going to going to go back to the future, why not go all the way? Ooooh, public executions maybe? Oh, I know…bring back the guillotine. That ish is effective. Big blade…swoooooosh…d-e-d, dead.

The American Civil Liberties Union of Utah hit it on the head. It makes the state “look backward and backwoods.”

Here are a few other things that Utah’s governor might want to bring back.

Polygamy – Nah. Too easy.

Leeches – Yes, bloodletting. Forget advanced medical training and cutting edge pharmaceuticals and definitely forget the Percuvance Percutaneous Surgical System. (I don’t know what that last one is…but it sounds pretty high friggin’ tech.) Instead just put the leech over the organ that gives you trouble and have the little critters suck out the sickness. Problem solved.

Leather Helmets – Concussions? What concussions? It’s time we get rid of modern football helmets that are overly protective, overly padded, instruments of injury made of advanced polymers. Lead with your head with a leather helmet and guess what? You wouldn’t lead with your head anymore. No face masks, however, we don’t want we don’t wanna drag Utah into the 21st century too quickly.

The Horse & Buggy – The Amish have been just fine, thank you very much, with their buggies and butter churning and barn raisin’ and such…forget the modern automobile and bring back the horse and carriage. Less pollution…save for the horse methane and the piles of horse poo. How romantic would a trip be to the firing squad then riding next to your sweetheart in a carriage. A lot more romantic then going to the public execution in a Nissan hoopty, that’s for sure.

Mudhuts – Ahhh, man, serious! No more subdivisions filled with cookie cutter houses. No need to cut down forests of trees…just start diggin’. Get some water and make that dirt into mud and build yourself a dwelling. You can shape it into anything you like..a dome, or a beehive, or a top hat and you will be one with mother Earth. I’m cool with tee pees too…oooooh, or if you’ve got the necessary sod…I want a house made of peat.

Gettin’ Jiggy – As in, “Man, Governor Herbert’s gettin’ jiggy with that speech.” Oh wait, shoot. Utah just started using “Gettin’ Jiggy,” as well as, cassette tapes. Will Smith is still the best selling rap artist in Utah. #Fact

The ritual sacrifice of virgins – If you want to keep the Gods happy, and everyone knows this, you have to sacrifice a virgin. You can do it by throwing her into a volcano. The Mayans would toss ‘em into a sink hole to appease the water god…or…you put her on an altar for a giant ape to take as a bride. A recent study found that 1 in 7 females in Salt Lake City are, in fact, virgins. So, there is, apparently, an abundant supply.

myspace – While you’re at it, Utah, you wanna go really old school? Why not bring back myspace, you bunch of hillbillies? Forget Twitter and Facebook and Tinder…ban ‘em all…and allow your residents to ONLY use myspace. Not today’s music-basked myspace…but old Top 8 friend myspace. Plus, Tom looks like he, himself, is a resident of Provo.

Oh yeah, myspace and FarmersOnly.com…obviously.

Did I miss anything? What else could Utah bring back. Add your comments.