My Can’t Miss Super Bowl Prediction

Jan 28, 2014 at 00:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’ve heard the so-called “experts” who’ll give you in-depth statistical analysis as to why Denver is better than Seattle or why the Broncos defense won’t be able to stop Marshawn Lynch. Blah, blah, blah.

You want the real deal? Spence has come up with a calculated collection of factors, and cumulative data that when properly analyzed, dissected, and scrutinized will determine, without question, who will win Super Boxl XLVIII.

Team Mascot – The word bronco comes from the Spanish word meaning “rough” and is known as an “untrained” horse. It eats oats and barley and weeds and ish. The Seahawk is term used for an osprey, also known as a “fish eagle.” (Kinda glad they went with Seahawk, right?) The osprey is predator. It hunts and kills it’s prey, typically fish. Now, a horse is bigger and stronger than a bird but the horse can’t fly. Wtih the Seahawk’s talons and beak it could totally peck the eyes out of some undisciplined mare. Advantage – Seattle

Landmark – When you think Seattle, you think Space Needle. The 605′ tall remnant of 1962 World’s Fair. It has an observation deck and a restaurant…you know, kind of like the Stratosphere, but way punier. In Denver, well there’s the Rocky Mountains. Denver sits atop them at 5,280′, hence the term “Mile High City.” (No, not because of legalized weed, idiot.) Let’s just say giant mountain totally trumps an oldie building that looks like it belongs in Tomorrowland at Disneyland. Advantage – Denver

Team Colors – This is a tough one. Broncos orange, for you designers out there PMS 1655C, is simply hideous. It has zero subtlety…like traffic cones. Which makes sense when it comes to traffic cones. In Denver’s defense, at least they don’t use “Action Green” like the Seahawk uniforms. It’s almost like a portion of the uniform took Molly and went to an EDM show and the day-glo just never disappeared. Seattle, however, also features the color “Wolf Grey” which sounds pretty hardcore. Advantage – Seattle

City Nickname – We all know that Denver is the “Mile-High City.” It’s factual. Seattle’s nickname came about in 1982 after a contest was held Seattle-King County Convention & Visitors Bureau. I guess because the surrounding area has lush, green forests. It has nothing to do with Oz or gems. Dumb. Advantage – Denver

Famous Food – If we went more broad and included Starbucks as a “food” then this category would be a lot closer. Why? Because…F your tall, skinny, mocha-frappa-latte B.S., that’s why! But since we’re going with food, Seattle has salmon and that charming little fish market downtown. Denver has an omelette and Rocky Mountain oysters. I might choose eggs over fish but I can’t pick fried calf testes over anything, even over-priced coffee. Advantage – Seattle

TV Show – Denver comes strong with the wealth, power and backstabbing of Alexis Carrington and the prime time soap opera, “Dynasty”. And that’s cool…if it were the 80’s. Seattle can choose from a few shows. You could go with the Nickelodeon tween comedy, “iCarly.” You might choose the Kelsey Grammer driven, and very Seattle-centric, “Frasier”. Or if you’re into McDreamy and McSteamy and the surgical intern drama at fictitious Seattle Grace Hospital you gots your “Grey’s Anatomy”. Normally, I would balk at chick-dramas but a firm Ellen Pompeo and Katherine Heigl seriously out duel a very wrinkly and saggy Joan Collins. Advantage – Seattle

State Bird – Lame. Lame. Lame. Seattle has the Seahawks but Washington’s state bird is the American Gold Finch. A Seahawk is a hawk fer crissakes. The finch is a monogamous, granivore that is social and loves it some birdfeeders. Colorado’s state fowl is no better. The Lark Bunting is an American Sparrow, another tiny little songbird. It’s also monogamous, for the most part, but involves itself in “extra-pair” mating which means the Lark Bunting is a bit of a swinger. That’s enough for me. Advantage – Denver

Most Popular NFL Player – For Denver, it’s pretty simple. John. Elway. The Broncos’ current executive vice president of football operations is a hall of famer, a nine-time Pro Bowler, former MVP, two-time Super Bowl champion and has a degree from Stanford University. Seattle defensive back, Richard Sherman also has a Stanford degree and very little else..oh…except a big mouth. Advantage – Denver

Rap GameMacklemore just won four Grammys this week including Best Rap Performance. Maybe you don’t like Mackelmore. Cool. How about Sir Mix-a-Lot? “Baby Got Back,” are you kidding me? Ummmm, Denver’s so-called hip hop history doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page. My anaconda don’t want none…of Denver. Advantage – Seattle

Cheerleaders – At Mile High they’re called the Denver Bronco Cheerleaders. Wow, that’s some creativity. At least the Seahawks have the “Sea Gals.” Now, I realize “gal” is a word your grandpa would use but it’s better than nothing. (Coulda gone with Sea Chicks…or She Hawks? Hmmm? Might sound like a transgender bird of prey….maybe not.) To make a proper decision you have to go to the girls’ respective websites. The Broncos. I like abs and naughty cowgirl hats. Nice. But the Sea Gals site has photos of the girls in bikinis at the Pro Bowl and a Sea Gals Fitness Photo Gallery. So good, it just gave me a 12th man. Advantage – Seattle

The Final Count – Seahawks 6, Broncos 4. Seattle will earn the right to overturn cars, shatter downtown business’ windows and set ish on fire upon winning their first Super Bowl title. Sadly, Payton Manning will remain one SB title short of his dimwitted brother, Eli.