Insecure Bald Eagle Seeks Hair RestorationPosted by admin on February 9, 2023 Blog | Prep | Tags: baldness, comedy, eagle, hair restoration, news, satire, Spence | No comments
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A single, middle-aged bald eagle residing in central Montana admitted that insecurity is behind his recent hair restoration treatment.
A native of Granite Peak in the Beartooth Mountains, ten-year-old Raymond never had much luck with the ladies. “I’ve always been kind of awkward around formels,” said Ray. “Even when I was younger, chicks never really dug me, ya know?”
Ray’s insecurities peaked at age six when he noticed he was balding. “I was always obsessing about whether my talons were sharp enough. Was my wingspan to short? Did I have a small beak compared to other guys? You know chicks love big beaks,” surmised Ray.
“Then, out of nowhere, I’m like, what the hell, man,” Ray recounted his discovery. “I nearly fly into a double glass door and just before ‘thwap,’ I see my reflection. Holy shit, I’m balding!”
“No wonder all these dudes I went to flight school are all bangin’ and doing that cloacal kiss thing and livin’ in sweet tree top cribs,” lamented Ray. “It ain’t my average-sized beak or my wingspan. Which, by the way is completely normal for a bird of my size. It’s the male patterned baldness!”
Eagles are People Too
Ray took quite a bit of teasing over his hair loss. “Yeah, this ex-bro of mine, Whitey, was always making jokes at my expense,” recalled Ray. “He’d say, ‘What’s the difference between you and an egg?’ I’m like, ‘what?’ And he’d go, ‘At least eggs get laid.’ I’d say, ‘Fuck you, Whitey,’ flip him the human and go about my day.”
“Dude, for a long time I couldn’t leave the nest without wearing a baseball cap,” admitted Ray. “But, you know, I’m flying around a lot. I’m diving into rivers and lakes. So, like every two seconds, my hat flies off. I can’t get anything done because I’m constantly flying to the ground and back to pick up my hat.”
One fall afternoon, Ray finally hit rock bottom. “I’m having a full-blown mid-life crisis. I feel fat. In addition to balding, I find my first gray feather. Just like that, I’ve flown to a Billings Chevrolet dealer,” Ray confided, “and I’m shopping for Corvettes.”
Finding a Cure for Avian Alopecia
Soon after, Ray discovered Dr. Klinghausen of the Avian Hair Loss and Cosmetic Surgery Institute.
“Doc, hooked me up,” said Ray. “The baldness is gone. My self-esteem is back. I mean, I gotta girlfriend now. Hair restoration has changed my life.”
“I haven’t restored a thing except, perhaps, Ray’s confidence.” countered Dr. Klinghausen. The doctor is matter of fact when it comes to his life changing procedures.
“It’s basically a weave. Sure, I do some work that is Keisha Cole-quality,” bragged the doctor, “but there’s no hair restoration. I simply grabbed some twigs and moss and secured it to Ray’s plumage.”
Klinghausen added, “It looks like a nest, to be quite honest. He’s going to wake up one morning and find a family of American Robins have taken up residence.
“My new girlfriend, Lexi,” boasted Ray, “is a total fox. Well, you know what I mean,” explained Ray.
His chest pumped out, supremely confident in his new bold, plumage asserted, “So, if you’re out there, Whitey, what has two wings and is getting laid, like all the time?” Ray folded his wings to point at himself, “This guy, that’s who!”
There, Ray surveyed the valley, as a light mountain wind blew through his mossy hairpiece. A mother robin, protecting her three baby blue eggs, appeared to ready herself for flight.
The thumping chorus of Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” echoed through the wilderness. “I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free.” And as quickly as Raymond appeared, he flew off into the sunset in his brand new, late model, cherry red Corvette.