Spencetology

Idea Sheet

Funeral Crasher – Did you see the story about the Aussie dude who crashes funerals? Not like Chazz from Wedding Crashers tho. So, someone who is close to dying pays this dude $10,000 to show up the deceased’s funeral and carry out his last wishes. In the link he talks about telling a priest to shut up and sit down. The dead guy that hired him did not want to have a religious funeral. At one funeral, he told three mourners to leave because the deceased didn’t want them there. I’ve made my funeral wishes known to my wife. I have one person, that will not be welcome and if that person shows up, they are to be removed. I also have requested that SisQo’s “Thong Song” be played on loop. You think I’m kidding?

I’ve made a few requests for my memorial service. What about you? What do you want and more importantly, what do you absolutely NOT want. I’m also interested in what you would like to say to those you left behind. I’m not talking heartfelt, emotional shit. I’m talking – like from the article – The dude is dead but hires the funeral crasher guy to shutdown his best friend because the best friend tried to cheat with dead dude’s wife. You have to read the article.

Kid’s Birthday Target Card – Who has done this? Your kid gets a $25 Target card in the mail from an out-of-state auntie or grandma and grandpa. It sits on the counter and weeks if not a month or two goes by. If you don’t bring it up to the kid…that’s found money, right? How many have you have taken that birthday gift card and used it on yourself or non-birthday related items? I think it’s on the kid. They forget. They lose the card. And what are they going to do, fight you? C’mon, you provide free room and board. You pay for everything anyway, toys included. That’s not your kid’s money. That’s your money. Thoughts?

Something You’re Not – You saw the story of professor Jessica Krug? Kind of a Rachel Dolezal thing. Jessica teaches at George Washington University and has claimed that she is Afro-Cuban like forever. Come to find out, she admitted to her double-life. Come to find out she’s “white as Snow White” and was raised Jewish in Kansas. When have you pretended to be someone you’re not? For fun or for real? I like to play this game sometimes. I was with a couple of buddies playing Pai Gow at a casino and had the dealer believing that my one buddy, who is tall, is the career three-point leader at Wichita State. The Shockers! Whom did you try to impersonate? Was it successful.

$2m a Month Spousal Support – That is what Nicole Young, estranged wife of Dr. Dre wants as they go through a nasty divorce. TMZ has a list of her monthly expenses. She requires $135,000/mo in clothing. $900k a month for entertainment and $20,000 for her phone. DAMN! She must got a iPhone 100! Her monthly nut, or so she’s claiming is nearly $2 million bucks. Ya know, Dre’s a billionaire. I don’t care what the law says…do you think she’s entitled to all of that? I understand they’ve been married for a long time and she definitely deserves to maintain her lifestyle, I guess. But, not to undermine her importance to his success, she didn’t have shit to do with the Chronic or finding Eminem, right? BTW, I’ll just take the 20-grand a month for the phone and happily be on my way.

Goats – Some goat found a police car with an open door and began eating the important paperwork that was sitting on the passenger seat. A couple of years back we had goats in for goat yoga. Since then, I’ve always wanted to get a couple of goats and lock them inside the boss’ office…and stream it. When you get into work…figure a way to unlock the boss’ office…make a deal with the goat yoga guy and leave em in there. Maybe plant some papers that look important throughout the office and cover them with honey or something. I have to believe you’d get some serious views…and if somehow the boss doesn’t find out about it until he/she gets to work, all the better.