Chinese Surveillance Balloon Actually Rogue Bounce House

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U.S. military officials have declined to shoot down an alleged Chinese surveillance balloon after claims it is actually a rogue bounce house.

A powerful gust of wind lofted an inflatable jumper skyward, taking with it three, small Chinese children. The bounce house was to be the centerpiece of Junfeng Zhōu’s fifth birthday celebration in the central Chinese town of Wantanzhen.

“Imagine a giant, invisible hand lifting and tossing it into the air like an oversized volleyball,” observed Gōnguyuán Community Park administrator, Suchang Huáng. “It shot into the sky, revolving like one of those fidget spinners.”

Terrified partygoers chased the wayward bounce house for miles before it disappeared into the clouds.

“The White Bubble” Children’s Bounce House (Chase Doak/via Reuters)

“He loved jumping almost as much as bouncing.” – Missing Child’s Mother

Fang Zhōu, Junfeng’s mother, whose son is believed to be one of three children still playing in the bounce house, when it was lifted toward the heavens, was understandably upset. She remained positive, however, “He loved bounce houses. It was his dream to have one for his birthday. He loved jumping almost as much as bouncing.”

She added, “It’s my guess he’s still jumping or bouncing with his friends. He probably hasn’t even noticed that he’s floating somewhere above Missouri, United States.”

Zhōu expressed only one regret, “I told him to grab a sweater when we left the house. He did not. That’s a lesson he won’t soon forget.”

The children’s playground inflatable named “Báisè de Qìpào” is Chinese for “The White Bubble.” It was leased to the Zhōu family from Páiduí Zūjīn Party Rentals in nearby Zhengzhou.

“We quickly realized the party rental staff had not tethered the bounce house down,” said onlooker, Hua Chéng. “The only thing that disappeared faster than the bounce house was the party rental company’s staff.”

Our repeated attempts to contact the party rental company have gone unanswered.

Chinese Authorities Confirm Bounce House; Ridicule Spying Allegations

American news and intelligence agencies were shocked to see the large, nylon orb drifting across the northern United States. Chinese officials swiftly notified American authorities.

“It’s only a bounce house. A simple, non-militarily constructed, runaway, children’s bounce house,” said a Chinese Minister of Foreign Affairs spokesman. “We would never send a spy balloon over U.S. military installations to gather data about first strike possibilities or American nuclear capabilities. That’s absolutely ridiculous. We are insulted by the allegation!”

“Balloon technology? Please, it’s 2023. Who would use a balloon, disguised as a bounce house, to obtain critical military intelligence from our nation’s greatest adversary?” he scoffed. “Next, you’ll try and assert that we actively utilize social media platforms to spy on you.”

The government spokesman was skeptical of the three children who may still be aboard the stray, celebratory inflatable. “We haven’t ruled out the possibility that these children were actually American spies attempting to steal our enviable Chinese bounce house technologies,” the official responded.

“If found to be true,” he said, “We will demand the children are returned to China for immediate reeducation, and stern punishment which may include, but not be limited to, a lifetime bounce house ban.”

“More importantly though,” the representative repeated, “It’s only a bounce house, not a surveillance balloon of any kind. It was not manufactured and launched by our military to observe, and gather information on American military installations.”

“Definitely, not that,” he reiterated.

Jungfeng’s mother, Fang, when asked about the possibility she may never see her child again was hopeful, “I’m sure Jung will enjoy America. I hear they have very fine bounce houses, but not as good as in China.”

by Spence
February 3, 2023