Child Found Crying in Bouncy HousePosted by admin on February 10, 2023 Blog | Prep | Tags: birthday party, blog, bouncy house, children, comedy, satire, Spence | No comments
Read time is 2:17 or hear the entire audio below:
A cacophony of sounds fill the air at the neighborhood park. The squeak of the swing set. Young feet, pitter-pattering in a game of chase. The thump of a foot striking a soccer ball. And from the bowels of the bouncy house, the piercing cries of another child screaming its lungs out.
At public parks, nationwide, parents go to great trouble to set up elaborate birthday parties. They’ve contacted their local parks and rec. department to rent a park shelter. It boasts a small awning, picnic tables, and a charcoal grill. The grate is worn, rusty, and still covered in barbecue remnants from the mid-80’s. A fortune in streamers, balloons, and other decorations are on display; cake and gift bags are also in the offing.
The Bouncy House is the Birthday Party Star
The true crescendo of this celebratory playground symphony is the jumpy castle. It’s not a real castle, mind you, but a reasonable facsimile. At one point in its life it was probably royal purple in color. Now, it’s more of a faded shit-brown; maculated with the occasional off-color patch. Glancing at it, one might think, that at in given moment, it may blow. Constructed of heavy-duty nylon it is coated in the DNA of hundreds, if not thousands, of snot-nosed, little outbreak monkeys.
Did the party rental staff clean and disinfect the bounce house? Did your ex-girlfriend have sex with her personal trainer? Probably, but what we’re lacking is proof?
Four hours for $300 seems a bit pricey. However, mom and dad remind themselves little Hunter will only be five once.
The whirr of the portable blower is a constant. It’s as determined as an undersized high school lineman, never quitting in its effort to provide the perfect bounce house pressure. I imagine much like breasts; not too squishy, not too firm. There must be an ideal amount of bounce for kids to launch themselves several feet in the air like mini-human projectiles. Too much firmness could cause injury when the little hellions come crashing back to Earth.
And through it all: the jumping, the laughter, and parents yelling repeatedly, “Steven, stop knocking over your sister,” there’s one thing that prevails. Somebody’s kid will soon be crying, uncontrollably, inside the bouncy house.
Let the Bouncy House Bawling Begin
This time it’s the birthday boy – Hunter. His rosy cheeks streaked with tears. He’s face down on the unkempt bouncy house surface; a surface where even the “Five-Second Rule” has been abolished. His weeping has turned to sobs. The entire time, Hunter is still violently bobbing up and down. The other kids continue to jump up and around his tiny, motionless body. Hunter’s upset. The boy’s possibly injured. He’s confused, like those people on social media who write “loose” instead of “lose.”
Every 3.7 seconds, on any given weekend in the United States, a child can be heard screaming their heads off due to trauma sustained in a bouncy house. And there it is again…and one, two, three, and again.
In the above case, Hunter kinesthetically experienced Newton’s third law of motion: when two objects collide, the objects bumping into each other exert equal and opposite forces on each other. Those objects being Hunter’s skull and the skull of his former best friend Lucas. Lucas is not crying but has adopted a blank stare instead. If there was a playground concussion protocol, now would be the time to utilize it.
Eventually, with a combination of mom’s comforting hugs, and a dad’s unsympathetic proclamation to, “Walk it off, buddy,” Hunter returns to bouncy revelry. Following a tense two and half minutes Hunter is reunited with BFF Logan and all is right in Bouncy Castle Birthdayland until…
“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!” a pigtailed four-year-old girl screams out loud.
“Goddammit, Steven! How many times do I have to tell you to stop knocking your sister over?”
February 7, 2023