Spencetology

6 Features Not Found on the iPhone 6

Today, Apple, from their headquarters in Cupertino, California announced the iPhone 6, the iPhone 6 Plus and the Apple Watch. They ain’t cheap, fo sho. $199 is the starting price for the 6. $299 for the entry level 6 Plus. Pre-orders will be accepted beginning September 12th with delivery by September 19th. No word, as of yet, on the price point and release date of the Apple Watch.

While we know the screens are larger than the 5 and the battery is better and it’s the most powerful iPhone to date…they still don’t have some features, that if I may speak for society as a whole, should be standard.

1. Holodeck: First used on the Starship Enterprise, headed by Captain Jean-Luc Picard, the holodeck had virtual reality on lock down. Man, any scenario you could come up with…a threesome with a Ferengi and a Romulan, for instance, that could happen. (Sadly, Star Trek: The Next Generation, never utilized the holodeck for such humanitarian ventures.) While holodeck technology will not be on the iPhone 6, you will still have access to contract viruses from a myriad of porn sites.

2. A Politeness Feature: This app would prevent a-holes from Tweeting while sitting at a green light, holding up traffic. It would stop consumers from having a conversation while at the supermarket check-out. Also known as the “manners application,” it would send an static electric shock into the ear of a Bluetooth clad customer when he or she is speaking too loudly in a public place. Unfortunately, the only technology available is the threat of bodily harm. Which, in many cases, does not turn out well.

3. A Complimentary Monkey: Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not talking about a full grown, surly, chimpanzee or anything. That would be dumb. Maybe a Capuchin, Spider or a cute, frisky little Marmoset. I just think the iPhone 6 could justify its exorbitant cost, with a sweet little creature as a gift with purchase…like they do at the perfume counter. The monkey could carry the phone, perhaps properly communicate with Siri and get you to the next level on Candy Crush.

4. Neuralyzer: Come on already. Agent K had one. It should be standard on the iPhone 6. Your iPhone already has a flash on it. Where’s the mind eraser made famous in Men in Black? Call your boss a dick. Neuralyzer him. Get caught in the sack with someone other than your wife. Neuralyzer her. Do all kinds of dirty s***, and have people look into your iPhone and zap, bing, pow. It. Never. Happened.

5. A Time Travel Portal: We had heard rumors of a program on the new iPhone that would allow us access to the wormhole. Unfortunately, iPhone 6 will not have this feature as time travel is not yet possible. So, presently, the space time continuum is safe. We have heard, however, that Apple has been consulting with a Doc Brown of Hill Valley on acquiring the technology.

6. Carbon Freezing: Yeah, like Star Wars, right? Gotta go on a long trip with the kids, use the iPhone’s carbon freezing feature on the kids and travel quietly with the kids safely encased in Carbonite. So, there’s that…and obviously if you want to transport Han Solo, with the help of Boba Fett to Tattooine, you could do that too.